Anthony has been doing very well with not messing himself like an animal. He only ever still wears diapers overnight, and even then, he remains dry 9 of 10 nights. When he feels the urge, he’ll jump up and run to the bathroom with his hand either grabbing his pecker or patting his butt, screaming “I go potty, he-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-lp!”

So, being the wonderful father I am, I follow along to offer help; In this instance, to ensure his aim is correct by pushing his ass forward until his hips touch the rim of the bowl.

Now, I digress here to explain that although Ant understands what pooh and pee are, he has yet to fully grasp which word stands for which function. “I go pee” is his battle cry for any bathroom activity, only admitting to having a pooh after direct questioning.

I forgot to directly question him.

So, he is standing in front of the bowl, peeing, while I keep my hand on his butt to prevent him pulling away too soon. I am thinking about how Katniss is going to get Peeta the medicine for his infection when I feel it. A slight flex in Ant’s cheeks. A subtle parting, like a butterfly’s wings preparing for flight.

The following all happens in a span of a third of a second.

Begin: I pull my hand away and look at my palm. No skids.

0.2 seconds: Anthony, feeling both my hand pull away and the pressure from his bowels, begins to squat.

0.6 seconds: I snag both thumbs in his waistband and yank his pants down to his ankles.

0.8 seconds: I see a brown dot appear between his cheeks. My vision blurs slightly.

0.9 seconds: He squats further and grunts.

0.13 seconds: My hands fly up, hitting his armpits. I lift him up and spintoss him in the air like a god damned pizza pie.

0.14 seconds: His eyes are wide in confusion and glee.

0.17 seconds: He has spun 180 degrees but is still in the air. I grab him by the waist with one hand while my other hand slams the seat down underneath him.

0.19 seconds: A turd escapes him mid-air.

0.22 seconds: I guide his fall onto the seat as a second turd emerges.

0.24 seconds: He is now sitting on the seat.

0.28 seconds: He is laughing.

0.30 seconds: He says “I make big pee. It’s hu-u-u-u-u-ge.”