During bedtime the other night, my kids wanted a spooky story. I busted out these masterpieces on the fly like some sort of sexy Aesop. Better go fetch an extra pair of pants, because these terrifying tales are going to blow your buttholes out your peeholes.

The Spooky Ghost

Once there was this ghost, and he was haunting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He wanted to scare everyone away because he wanted to eat the sandwich all by himself.

A little boy came into the kitchen and saw the sandwich. He sat down and reached for it, but the ghost popped out and yelled “BOOOO-O-O-O-OOOO!” and the boy ran away.

Then a girl came in, and she wanted to eat the sandwich too, so she sat down and started to reach for it, but the ghost popped out again and yelled “BOOOOOO-O-O-O-OOOO-O-O-O-O-OO!” even louder. She ran away.

So now the ghost was all alone with the sandwich. He sat down, ready to dig in. He reached for the sandwich, and then the sandwich yelled “BOOOO-O-O-O-OOOOO!” and the ghost got scared and ran away.

The Hungry Vampire

Once there was this vampire, see, and she was real hungry. The problem was, though, she thought biting people was gross. So she was always hungry, because she couldn’t get blood without biting, and she didn’t like to bite.

So she was moping around, being hungry, looking for something to eat, when she had an idea. She went to the fridge and pulled out some cranberry juice. “It’s red, like blood, maybe I’ll like it,” she thought. She took a big gulp, but spit it out right away. “No, no good,” she cried.

So she went to the pantry and looked around, finally pulling out a jar of jam. “This is red like blood, too, maybe it’ll be better.” So she made a big jam sandwich and took a bite. “EWW,” she cried, spitting it out.

So now she was really grumpy and hungry.

She decided to try something new, something not red. She reached into the refrigerator and pulled out an entire head of lettuce. “Hmmmm,” she thought.

“HMMMMMMMMMM,” she thought some more.

She took a bite. “This is delicious,” she exclaimed! And she ate the whole thing.

The Glooby Glob Monster

Once there was this monster all made out of glooby stuff. He was basically a big pile of sticky goo.

So he’s glooping around the house one day, leaving a sticky globby trail behind him, when he thinks to himself, “hey, maybe I should clean up this horrible goop I’m always leaving behind.”

So he goes and gets a broom, but the broom just gets sucked into his body because he is made of glooby goo and that’s what happens. So he goes and gets a mop, but that gets sucked into his body too. So he goes and gets a rag and some spray stuff, but that too is just sucked into his terrible gloopy body. So he goes and gets a dustpan, but that just gets sucked into his body.

So he stops and thinks for a minute.

Then he goes and gets another broom, but it just gets sucked into his body. So he goes and gets a dust-buster, but it just gets sucked into his big sticky body too. The vacuum cleaner, too.

So much stuff in there.

So he goes and gets another vacuum cleaner except this one has an extra long hose. The vacuum, of course, gets sucked into his body, but the extra long hose is still sticking out a bit. So he starts gloomping around the house, vacuuming up all the piles of globber he’s been leaving behind. The problem is, though, that as he moves around and sucks up the globs, he is still just leaving more new glops all over the place. He doesn’t notice this, though, he’s kind of dumb.

So around and around he goes, vacuuming up goo while leaving other goo behind.

There you have it. Hope your pants aren’t all full of scare-splatter now.